Big Money Drew
Bray Wyatt came out first to apologize to Orton for things getting out of hand last week.
Because sometimes He has a sick, deranged mind of his own. Bray said he wishes that they got the chance to get along because after TLC there may be nothing left of Orton. So for this show, they’ll have fun and he prepared some jokes.
The first joke was… okay. Measuring vipers in inches because they don’t have feet. Snakes clean their cars with windshield vipers. Meh.
Orton had enough (as did I!) and said that he didn’t realize the Fiend gave him the chance to look the devil in the eyes. Orton admitted he was out-maneuvered but it won’t happen again.
Orton suggested playing hide and seek and Bray accepted.
Bray’s acting in this, while his lines were mostly shit, was pretty great. The way he was enunciating and exaggerating his words like a little kid’s show would was a really nice touch.
While in the back, Bray encountered Riddle, who had a whiteboard and was pitching Bro-Nouns. For Bros and people who talk. Then Bray left and Riddle asked Ramblin’ Rabbit to sign a carrot for his bunny.
One of the only genuine moments of entertainment I had this evening.
Then, Bray saw a rocking chair in a dark room. He entered the room and sat in the chair, looking at it like it was an old memory. Orton attacked, and locked Bray in a trunk. AND THEN ORTON LIT IT ON FIRE AND THE FIEND POPPED OUT! Randy sure likes burning things, doesn’t he?
Fiend put the Mandible Claw in Orton’s mouth again and Orton passed out. That was such a cool moment. I really wish these guys were having a Firefly Fun House match at TLC.
Ascension – In the main event segment, Drew McIntyre and AJ were in the ring for the title ascension. AJ put over the fact that he and Drew have never wrestled together before, and I really like that because it’s rare we get a first time match up. Drew said that he’s always wanted this match. He’s a diamond that’s rough because of his 19 year history trying to get to the top of WWE. Drew puts the title in the holder and then Miz and Morrison attacked.
Drew fended off the losers and Jordan (Now “Omos” I think is how you spell it) tossed the steel steps into the ring to distract Drew, and AJ took McIntyre out at the knee, gave him a Phenomenal Forearm and hit him with a ladder and a chair. AJ climbed the ladder and got the title. Omos makes this interesting because I wouldn’t have picked AJ to win if he was alone. Now, I don’t know!
AJ Styles def. Sheamus – In a world of winners and losers, two losers and one winner presented us with another Dirt Sheet segment. However this time, I may have been a bit more entertained by it than I’d want to admit. AJ can pull off silly, and he’s really the only reason why I was entertained by this.
So Sheamus came out and AJ threw a tree at him, and Sheamus threw a present back, which started the match. Sheamus stretched AJ’s arm back and I sometimes forget how flexible you need to be in order to be a wrestler. He had AJ on the apron and tried to powerbomb him onto the announce table, but Omos caught AJ and gently let him down. AJ locked in a calf crusher on the knee Sheamus was favoring, but Sheamus was able to do White Noise and I thought it was going to be over. AJ actually won with an urgent pin. No finisher! Then Sheamus got stuck in the ropes upside down and AJ battered him with chair shots. Yowie Owie.
So this may end up taking out Sheamus for TLC which will leave Drew all alone. Was quite strange that Drew never came out to help him after the big fight and make up last week. My goodness if Miz actually walks out of the pay-per-view holding the title…
The Hurt Business def. New Day and Jeff Hardy – Before the match, the Hurt Business bullied a crew member backstage and Lashley dumped a whole carton of milk on the dude. He also got some of it on his nice suit. They had to vary the Hurt Business and New Day so they threw Jeff Hardy in and allowed Lashley to team up with his counterparts for the first time in what feels like months.
Hurt Business put the hurt on Kofi once again like last week. Each member took turns looking like they’re showing Kofi as a weak link. Jeff got the hot tag after Shelton took out Woods and Cedric tagged in and hit a sick knee on Jeff. Everyone attacked each other and the urgency from Cedric to get the pin has been wonderful. Jeff was about to do a Swanton bomb but Cedric knocked him off the top rope, then Lashley locked in the Hurt Lock for the win.
Cedric celebrated as if he had scored the victory for the team, and the other men looked at him confused. I am loving this Cedric so much. Nice seeing all Hurt Business men together again, too. I think we may be seeing new tag champs this Sunday!
Mace def. Ricochet – Mace had some decent offense and kicked Ricochet inside out. Ali finally alluded to Mace being the former Dio Maddin replaced by Samoa Joe on commentary so it was nice for that to finally be out there officially. Ricochet took control, and then Ali sent T-Bar and Slapjack to assist but were taken out. Ali then just told Mace to shut him down, and he won the match. Ali telling people to crush their opponents and they just win is a nice way to get the job done. I don’t mind that!
After the match, Ali told Ricochet that this only ends when Ricochet joins RETRIBUTION. At the moment, I feel like I might actually be okay with that. Short term, though. Please don’t let me jinx it.
Riddle def. MVP – MVP started rough with Riddle, who brought out some more BroNuts. Riddle defeated MVP with a Floating Bro in a minute.
Miz and Morrison def. Keith Lee – Garbage. Absolute garbage. Don’t even care how “strong” Keith was booked, pouncing Morrison around and tossing him all over the place. Don’t even care that he was in two submissions at once. Garbage.
Elias did stuff – Uh… so Jaxson Ryker is back. The Forgotten Son everyone wanted to forget forever. Now he’s been changed by Elias’ music. Now he’s Elias’ bitch. Then they involved the 24/7 title and he beat up Metalik and Tozawa. Hm. Odd choices. (If you couldn’t tell, I don’t give a shit so you’re not getting much from me on this guy.)
Lana def. Nia Jax / Shayna Baszler def. Dana Brooke – What a… finishing move. We saw another Lanacanrana and Lana pinned Nia in unique fashion. Shayna attacked Asuka in the back, and Nia and Shayna battered Lana until Asuka made the save. I… uh… yeah okay.
Don’t care about the second match but HAHAHA they announced Lana isn’t going to be at TLC so what was the point of all of this booking?!? Mandy Rose came back to help Dana and Asuka.
Raw is a skippable show. There’s really no need to sit and watch this for three hours. YouTube and enjoy. TLC is this Sunday and it doesn’t feel as exciting as it should for the Raw side of the show. Everything feels generic.
What were your thoughts, Cagesiders?